I must be crazy...

According to my handy iPhone "What to Expect" application today I am 5 weeks and 1 day into my gestational period. The baby is as big as a sweet pea.  (all the sweet pea art is either the pretty flowers or a baby in a pea pod outfit....so you get a pile of peas.)

I feel great, so far only mild smell aversions.  The garbage can made me gag and almost lose my lunch yesterday and then I was grossed out by my own toot later in the day, but well, I guess that's normal.

I have powered through a book recommended by a friend (The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy) which is an eye opening jaunt into what real women think about their birth.  It flat out says - yes, you will go crazy, you will be irrational and at times you will fear the being inside you.  It also talks about the scary stuff like what happens if you get a bad genetic test or miscarry and that towards the end I will simultaneously want the baby out and want it to stay in forever because it is MUCH easier to care for in my body than out.

None of this is why I think I am crazy.  I am crazy because I have the urge to take a pregnancy test EVERY DAY.  I am so very very pregnant now that all I have to do is wave the stick in the general area of my urine stream and it flashes "knocked up", but since that's my only sign other than super sore boobies, I want the assurance that our little pea hasn't just "gone away."

Jason, thankfully is putting up with my neurosis and is coping well with his newly obsessed wife.  We are on a short learning curve and I've even caught him thumbing through the "essential guide to pregnancy & birth".  This honker of a book is 600 pages of detailed information.  I have read through the 1st trimester and stopped. 

Part of my new mental illness is a fear that we won't make it to the 2nd trimester. Both books say that worry will be my constant companion until the pea is in the world...or past college, or later.  However, knowing that worry is normal and letting that be enough to push it aside are two different things.

Here's the worry dialog in my head:

1) You're over 40 (41 and 10 months -- ok 42) and it's just riskier
2) You're 42 and at higher risk for miscarriage
3) You're 42 and at higher risk for chromosomal errors
4) Things have been so good in your world in the last two years, that SOMETHING has to go wrong... you're past due for a disaster.

See...I must be crazy.  Every new almost mom worries about these things.  And... there's nothing to do about it.  I'm taking my vitamins, drinking lots of water (pee?) skipping the caffeinated coffee, holidng the diet pop at arms length and my wine habit has trickled to a single sip of a 2003 bottle of fantastic red wine.  The books say caffeine isn't the villian they use to think it was, but since we are in the most critical time of development (brain stem, heart and all those important things like buds for ears and kidneys) that I can hold back until we hit the 4th month. 

Ok.. back to our normally scheduled day.