All About Boobs

Warning this post will contain lots of personal information about my very own breasts.  There will be no pictures of boobs.


I've told you before that breast feeding was something that we hoped to be able to do for Lucy, but that it wasn't a sure thing.  At 19 I opted to have a breast reduction, which at the time was the most amazing thing.  I went from a DD size (that was probably more of an E, if I was being honest about the size of bra I needed) to a C cup.  They removed multiple pounds of tissue from each breast and I went from being the girl with the huge boobs to just your average girl on campus.  It was great.

The doctor never promised or implied that I would ever be able to breast feed.  He was very clear on that front.  At 19, while in college with a "plan" that didn't include getting married and having kids anytime soon the trade off to be comfortable and rather anonymous seemed worth the desire to provide healthy breast milk for a hypothetical baby that I might not ever have.

sleepy lucy

Now that I've reached the stage in my life where the baby is no longer hypothetical (she's sleeping in the next room) I still don't regret the breast reduction.  I am producing milk - especially the all important and touted colostrum that the experts say is the most critical for a baby during the first couple days.  We had to pump to get it, and siphon it out of the pump with a syringe but she got it!  Once home with our own (good, but not hospital grade, breast pump) I was pumping and feeding Lucy. 

Sadly, she was losing weight.  She hit the dreaded 10% weight loss in the hospital and they told us we should supplement with formula.  We did that, three times a day and breast fed the other five feedings.  Sadly, it turns out that my "production" is off and we weren't doing her any favors. 

We met with the lactation specialist who advised us that Lucy needs 16-19 ounces of food a day and that anything that she takes from me directly shouldn't count towards that goal.  So now I'm pumping every 3 hours, with the newly acquired (rented) hospital grade pump and producing enough for one feeding per every two pump sessions.  

Hormones are running high in my system right now and mostly I feel a grand happiness over the perfection of this little being in our lives and how lucky we are that everything has come together.  But, a part of me wants to take a seat in the corner of the shower and cry over the fact that I can't produce what she needs.  I know that she needs more than my milk but my emotional side wants to give her everything and my weak milk production is a bummer.

Of course, many many babies have survived on formula and we are not harming her with our Enfamil meals.  I suppose the way to look at it is that any bottle of milk she gets from me is a bonus.   That is the sane, reasonable way to view it.  However, the selfish "I want to be the perfect mother" part of me says "whaaa".

We have a weigh in on Friday and that should tell us if our revised feeding plan is working.  That will probably soothe my wounds a bit.  The most important thing is for her to grow big and strong, regardless of how we get there.  Right!?.... Right.